My Story, Yours Too.

Friday, March 16, 2018

Saint Patrick's Erotica

Dear Sillies,
How are you? I hope you're feeling worthy and and upbeat spirits.
It's that time again - time to...get lucky, any way you can. I'm unsure what that means for me, realistically, but I'll wear green just in case I run into Bernie.
Much love, luck, and laughter to you and yours.

Monday, March 12, 2018

Reasons for Celibacy #12-17

Hi, Dear Sillies,
I hope life is treating you kindly.
And now, let's return to this series.
I don’t mean to be completely deceitful, only partially. Thus, I superimposed my face onto Sandra Bullock’s body, when she and Betty White shared a moment. Note: I look happy. Betty looks suspect. Enough banter, onto more serious matters - reasons #12-17 for a smart, straight gal to choose celibacy. Taken directly from internet dating ads, and enhanced (err, diminished) by my italicized snark, please enjoy:

REASON #12: I look better in person
And do you have a more appealing sales pitch in person too? 

REASON #13: my job: union: Oakland Steel Erection
In spite of your arrogance, give me a call. Wink. 

REASON #14: Enough about you. Let's talk about me!
Enough about you!

REASON #15: NOT LOOKING TA TELL MY LIFE STORY HERE. IT WOULD TAKE ALL DAY I AM AN ON HERE. Yeah, I got that much, buddy. What else are you on? I AM AN OVER THE ROAD TRUCKER! I imagine that’s easier than being an under the road trucker or an over the hill driver! CAN YA DEAL WITH THAT? COAST TA COST IS WHAT I DO. NOT WHAT I WANT BUT ITS WHAT I DO SO IF YA WANNA KNOW MORE LET ME KMNOW What I would like to kmnow: How do you coast ta cost? Do ya do it over or under ta road? How much does it cost? Does it cost less if you coast the whole way over? 

REASON #16: Looking for some real people no fake *ss
Well, look no further, dude. See photo and/or ask Betty. That *ss ain't fake.
REASON #17: I LIKE WOMEN WITH FEW EXTRA POUNDS NICE BUTTS; THIGHS BEAUTIFUL SMILES AND NICE PERSONELITIES. I almost qualifiy, but I can’t find my nice personelities. Gimme a moment while I check with Human Resources. NONE DRINKER None? Must be hard to stay hydrated.

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Please Will You Not Be My Neighbor?

   As you guessed, Dears, Dude Three and Skanky are an item. What irks me most is the knife in my back. She’d been very friendly. I’d confided in her about the breakup. I even told her that he has a bad temper. Clearly, she has zero standards. And all the while, they were moving in on each other. (I’d casually introduced them once before.)
   I mean, really? If I wanted to live on Melrose Place, I’d live on Melrose Place. It’s actually a complex in Jackson, Mississippi. So, no thanks. 
   Although Chico feels like a small town to me, it’s nearing 100,000 people. There are plenty of other single pot-smoking boozers out there. (They both are. In fact, that double bonus category seems to include everyone around here except me.).
   Furthermore, he moved in with her immediately. As in, my new neighbor is Dude Three. Isn’t that special?
   I found this all out when she posted a photo of them holding hands on their first date, bragging about her new boyfriend. Although tempted to respond to the post itself, I didn’t and don’t want to be connected to either of them. They look(ed) like juvenile dorks.

   I messaged her: “You’re dating my ex? I would NEVER date a friend’s ex. That’s inappropriate and awkward, especially after I was so nice to you. I confided in you about our breakup, gave you homemade fudge and latkes for the holidays, we practiced together for the show, all the while with you two starting something?! I feel betrayed and disrespected by both of you.”
   Skanky: “We didn’t get together to hurt you. We hope you can find a way to heal and manifest your beautiful spirit.”
   Me: “I only have one thing left to say: Karma. It’s real. Ciao, neighbor.”

   I hate driving by his car daily. I hate parking next to her car every day. I hate the sight of either of them. But I do like the fact that my presence is surely uncomfortable for both of them too. Plus, I’m thinking of leaving condoms on his windshield. Why? Because he hates them.  
   They deserve each other.  Karma’s in the fact that they're together. And thank goodness it’s not me he’s coming home to.

   How about you? Ever have this type of neighborly situation? I welcome any and all advice.
   Regardless, please be well and take care of yourselves.
   Have a great week, my Sillies.